Tagalfar Joke

[kit95]

Read it somewhere

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...........full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be build
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny !"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this
multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: How bout sodomy?
Hardy: I believe that is allowed
Nelson: In that case, Kiss me Hardy

[Susofrick]

Poor Nelson! At least he got some sodomy!

[Peter]

"Health and safety", I know all about them ! They still live!

Greetings Peter

[rubenvanginkel]

it's nice:D

[Martin]

Hi Kit95,
Nelson would turn in his grave if he would read this.
And the truth is: we almost sufficate in our new rules.
New rule here in Holland: no smoking allowed in all public rooms.
Not so bad for me: I don't smoke but for a lot of people it matters.

[kit95]

here in singapore, smoking is not allowed in resturunts, food courts except in the yellow smoking zones, thats good for everyone`s health.

[Susofrick]

No public smoke in Sweden either. And it smells a lot better in restaurants and other public areas. Even smokers I know agree with this (I don't smoke myself though).

[Siegfried]

funny!

[Peter]

Here in Belgium the same thing about the smoking. I have no problems with that and I'm a smoker I smoke less and so that is better for my health.

Greetings Peter